I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
