Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
