I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
