I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
