Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(201): View more from New Jersey

At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Nah, we all need something.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way

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(513): View more from Ohio

there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"

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(904): View more from Florida

I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs

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(757): View more from Virginia

they won't let me drive with my sombrero

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(661): View more from California

Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.

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(713): View more from Texas

Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?

(281): View more from Texas

Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?

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