Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
