High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize