She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
