My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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