Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
