Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
