Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
