What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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