and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
