Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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