I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
