i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Drunk is a universal language darling
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