They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
