in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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