Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
what day is it and did you see me today?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
