I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
