I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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