Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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