Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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