I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
