someone threw a dead crab at me
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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