I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
