i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
