people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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