I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
