Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
