Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize