i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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