Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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