One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
