Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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