You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
