im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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