Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
