Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
