omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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