I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
