You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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