Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Holy shit dude........stairs
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
