I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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