Betty ford says i'm here all night
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
