whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
