just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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