I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
