someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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