you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
