I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
