The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
