my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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