"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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