Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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